I think this is much improved over your first summer version. It's much less like a commercial for the restaurant as Robert had given you feedback on. It's now more of a story about how Tom began making pizza on Kauai. Your interview has some solid audio and it's sort of well lit and composed well. You really needed a light to shine on the left side of his face as that side is too dark. The background isn't stellar but it's ok. I was hoping that no one would walk around the corner down the hall and luckily no one did, at least that I could see. Be careful as I noticed a jump cut in the interview. You also have a weird angle switch in the beginning of the b-roll of the person rolling the dough. First it's shot from one side and then immediately cuts to the other side. You can't do this as this is confusing. Remove one of those clips. Also be careful not to repeat in a VO what's immediately said right after. What is neapolitan pizza? How is that different from other pizza? I think we need to explain what neapolitan pizza is. You hear this in the part about his passion and personality. Your audio also needs to be leveled out. Some VOs are much softer than the interviews and they need to be brought up to match. Your closing is generic and weak. How can you wrap this up better than stating he "will continue to serve delicious pizza for years to come." Is that his goal? This story is about his passion for pizza. I would also like to hear from other people about this passion. How about his wife? Can she attest to his passion? What about a friend or employee? What about hearing from a customer as to how good the pizza really is? I think those things are missing from your story. Let's keep working!
I'm Keith, I'm in 7th grade and this is my second year in media