I'd like you guys to open not with a reporter VO but with a sound bite from one of your interviews. Remember that I need to be compelled to watch in the first 5 seconds. You need to grab my attention with a great sound bite, something that will keep me from changing the channel. Go back to your transcriptions and look for a sound bite that can do this and start your story with it first. I really like how you explained what LED means after your first VO. That was a really logical place for that info and it works well there. The 5 points need some more work. Point 4 doesn't make any sense at all. For point 2, tell me more about these 3,700 lights that are being replaced. Are they being replaced all over the island? Who paid for the new lights? Ron Kouchi's sound bite in point 2 doesn't fit where you've placed it. In Mike Yamane's sound bite before that, he talks about the older generation of lights and then you go right into Ron's part about how they consume less energy. Wait, what light are we talking about, the old one or the new? If you have Mike talking about the old, if Ron then talks about the new, you need a VO or a bridge to join those two points. Point 2 needs more info about the switchover to the new lights. Move Ron's sound bite to the point 3 as it fits better there. Point 4 as I said doesn't make sense so that needs to be fixed. In point 5, what does a 50% reduction in energy mean for the people of Kauai? How does that directly benefit them?
One other thing that this needs is a central character. Who is your central character in this story? Who does this story revolve around? Do we focus on a homeowner who has to deal with huge electric bills then go into what KIUC is doing to help alleviate that problem? There is no character to get around. It's an ok story but if we have a character to follow then it makes the story that much more interesting. Think about finding a character to help you. You can get by without one but it won't be as strong a story.
Let's keep working on this. 1.7 points = C-
I'm Keith, I'm in 7th grade and this is my second year in media